i drew the baby from eraserhead on a flyer for ryan.

i think things will be okay. whatever happened isn't okay but i will survive. good things will come to me if i try hard enough. i'm going to start spoiling myself rotten. i'm applying for jobs tomorrow. hopefully i can get a job at julie's salon and be a receptionist. that would be rad! i'm going to apply at ASW too, and maybe swing by barnes and noble. they probably aren't hiring though and i honestly don't know if i could handle that shit again....because barnes and noble sucks up my life when i'm there. not as bad as the bike store though. i want to start volunteering for an animal shelter. i want to get out of here.

these past couple days have really sucked but you guys have no idea how good of friends julie and mike are. they've seriously helped me so much and made me feel so much better. i need to do more drawing and more photography.

i seriously forgot HOW much Hole makes me feel better. Live Through This is probably one of my favorite albums ever. Every song is amazing on it and every time something shitty happens the definitions of the songs change for me.

here are some pictures and stuff.

a flyer i started but never finished cause it got cancelled? i don't know. but that's ingrid pitt. julie really liked it. i wish my lines were straighter.



that's james monroe's grave.

julie is a cute



the dead are dead and they don't come back.

i hate patterson. i don't think i have ever regretted knowing someone in my life more than him. i wish i could erase from my memory.


I HATE WEIRD GIRLS THAT LURK MY LIVEJOURNAL WTF GET A LIFE

:(


i feel so shitty. i really really fucking hate him i want to punch his stupid face. i can't stop thinking about all this. i guess i need closure. i can't believe that someone could be so dead inside. i feel like an asshole because it's all i talk about but i feel like i am going to explode. there are so many things i try to say but i can't find a way to. i feel like there must be something wrong with me that shit like this always happens.

I have lost 8 pounds since no way fest :) not that you'd be able to tell! i need to lose at least 60. i've been eating pretty well and drinking a lot of water. For breakfast I usually eat a couple spoonfuls of cottage cheese and some pineapple...lunch a sandwich with [fresh] green beans on the side with ranch...for lunch usually just an apple and crunchy peanut butter with some string cheese. i'm trying to stay away from alcohol for a while.

Some people make me want to fucking puke. I seriously don't even know why I let him touch me he is so fucking disgusting to me now. Me Julie and Fish were looking through a photo album last night and I mentally winced each time I saw a picture of him...blah. Oh well, I'm a better person and I'm always trying to make my life better...when he's doing the opposite. I just can't believe I let him get that close and hurt me AGAIN. What the hell is wrong with me? I KNEW it would all be too good and too cookie cutter to be true.

Anyways...if anything this has given me even more of a reason never to talk to him again and even more of a reason to focus on making myself better.

A month ago or so I had a guy friend from high school randomly texting me, asking to hang out. This guy was always really nice and NEVER creepy to me so I was like yeah, sure, we'll hang out. He's kind of a hipster dude but was a total sweetheart in high school and me and Patterson used to always hang out with him.
Anyways, I'm just kind of like half heartedly telling him yeah we'll hang out or something whatever, because really I probably wouldn't, cause I just don't really talk to anyone I went to high school with [probably the only people I do are Fish, Patterson, Phoung, and Mike.]
Anyways, I knew that he had been dating a girl that was a good friend of mine in high school [but who I haven't seen since-3 years ago] but I didn't know if they were still dating. ANYWAYS fast forward I am RIDICULOUSLY drunk at the Continental Room in Fullerton with Karen and her boyfriend, watching Gestapo Khazi and Danger Strangers. I am REALLY DRUNK. Calling everyone etc etc-Julie will definitely verify this! Anywho this guy I was friends with in high school keeps texting me like crazy-6 texts from him with in 5 minutes and I haven't replied once. He starts saying stuff like "Hey baby Hey cutie Hey sexy" blah blah. He starts telling me how he always thought I was sooo hot in high school and he always wanted to kiss me and crap and I am like WTF??? But I being really fucked up on dirty shirley's think it's hilarious and he keeps asking me out on a date, and I'm like fuck it whatever he must have broken up with my old friend and who cares about her cause I haven't seen her in 3 years!
CUE Karen dragging me to her car, me drunkenly crying and being a mess, being dropped off at home, laying on my kitchen tile for who knows how long and this guy keeps texting me! I believe one or several of my texts simply said "me sleep now." or something with that phrasing.
He keeps asking if I want to go to the movies [oh my bad-the CINEMA fucking pretentious shit head] and I'm like yes ok whatever i am sleep, then he says I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU AND LISTEN TO DEATH FROM ABOVE. WTFFFFFFFFF. Panic sensors light off in my head. I freak out and tell Julie and I can seriously NO longer talk to this dude with out freaking out and being like SHIT YOU ARE RETARDED. So I put my phone on silent and relegate myself to drunk sleep.
He keeps calling and texting for 2 weeks and I finally give Mike the go ahead to call him and tell him to fuck off.

Anyways, I am getting to a point now.
His girlfriend [yes apparently he IS still with my friend from high school] just added me on myspace and there are pictures of them together on it. I feel bad and I wanna tell her but I have NO proof and if they're happy I don't want to mess them up but the dude is seriously a creeper. I guess I will keep my nose out of it haha.


Oh yeah me and Julie got dinner at CPK last night, met up with Mike and saw the Hangover. SO MANY LOLZ GO SEE IT.

I keep finding myself listening to slow songs ala candle in the wind by elton john.
BAD.
VERY BAD.


so now we listen to slayer :) :)


kaleidescopestyl: (2:14:35 AM) emotions and feelings are so gross i need to kill them with alcohol
djciso: (2:15:21 AM) Wait for me
djciso: (2:15:28 AM) Haha

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE S.S. IS PLAYING AT THE NEW BEVERLY ON JULY 10TH





SO there. SO stoked.

if anyone ever lurks my journal from my real life
?

lol probably not

i am trying to do the 200 sit ups, 100 push ups, and 200 squats challenges.
try with me!
http://www.twohundredsitups.com/
http://www.hundredpushups.com/
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

I think the best thing about them is that the exercises are completely free, and fast. I have a problem with getting off my ass and going to the gym but these are soooo easy and they build your strength relatively fast. They take less than 10 minutes each to do. Hopefully I'll be able to do the 200 sit ups and squats and 100 push ups by the end :) Then I won't feel so weak at the gym. It's really cool and easy check it out :P I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it was a good idea.

Last night me Fish and Ryan went to see Le Face and the Brat at the Knitting Factory. I HATE THE KNITTING FACTORY. We had to stay in the small room which I LOATHE. I've had panic attacks in there because it's so tiny and suffocating. I was going to stay for the Brat but I was feeling really shitty so I was like fuck it. Me and Fish were standing by the door and they have these 2 HUGE posters with a mass amount of rules. Like literally 20 rules. For STUPID shit. Like if you are playing the show you need to ask if you can plug in your amp. WTF. Me and Fish were making fun of the rules and Marcus came up and started like underlining words on the posters and yelling them it was funny. Le Face played ok but we could barely hear the vocals and the crowd there was really shitty. Ryan's sort-of-ex-penis-breaker was there and giving me the skink eye. I didn't even recognize her and I walked by her and she like checked me and I was like "FUCK there is always some douchebaggy little mexican girl trying to fight me at shows" and then I realized who she was. Lulz.
I just DON'T understand why midget women try and fight me. It's like...I am a foot taller than you and I weigh at least 60 pounds more than you....I threw shot put in high school, I could probably pick you up by your neck with one hand. Like really, I don't want to try and seem like I'm tough but DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET IN A FIGHT WITH ME? Not only am I basically impervious to pain until an hour after it happens, I have a lot of pent up aggression begging to be set free. When I fight I go blind, I really have no idea what happens but every. single. time. I get into a fight it ends with people pulling me off of someone, and me laughing hysterically. I relish pain and I can not wait for the day I get my nose broken and get shot, just for the fact that I feel stronger afterwards.
I don't go looking for trouble though. I have stopped getting in fights but if I need to, I need to. If any bitch fucks with Ryan I will break their faces, and the same goes to any girl or guy that fucks with my girl friends. Actually, just anyone who bothers with any of my friends. I AM SO FULL OF HATE AND ANGER. roflz

Anyways, Hollywood Boulevard was fucking nuts. Mj stuff everywhere as his star is right near the Knitting Factory.

Thursday night me Fish and Phoung went to Enzo's to party a little bit. I made friends with the sassiest black guy ever, no joke I think I wanna marry him. And [!!!] I danced to the Jackson 5 with black girls. This may seem dumb to you, but I have only ever been friends with 2 black girls and the rest I have ever met have literally said "White bitch i'ma making cracker soup out of you." Which is really fucking scary when 20 of them follow you home after school. Little girls that try and fight me are stupid, but black women [as well as Samoan] women scare the fucking SHIT out of me. Anyways....


Tonight I'll probably see Cat Party and Josh's new band play or whatever. Ryan Davey Mitch and Eddie are going so who knows.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have a sassy dinner and a movie with Miss. Julie Jawbreaker weeeeeee


^Picture I submitted to be a video chat girl. You need to be topless but can have pasties or something covering stuff up. The company can block out certain states you don't want to see you-So I'd probably block out California and South Carolina. $20-$40 bucks an hour? Fuck yes I want in I am so down with exploiting perverts. I'm not some tan blonde girl but hopefully I can get into the evil dominatrix niche. My smiles a litttttle too sweet though, right?

No Way Fest was really fun, even if it was hot as balls.
I went with Julie Ryan Mike and Mattt and eventually met up with Patterson, Karen and her boyfriend [Mike] and C.O.P.
Good times were had by all but really Virginia is gross and too hot. How the fuck can people live in the south??
A lot of fun and weird and dramatic things happened but they're all too long too talk about.
Shitty things:
Matt's camera broke, so he had to use mine.
I got home and my iMac took a dump. We took it in and it turns out the hard drive is failing. WTF I just got it like 6 months ago. All my data is lost. FUCK. :( So I need to steal music from my friends soon. Hopefully I can tap into Julie, Mike, and Ryan's computers.
So, no pictures [the little I have] of Virginia until I get my iMac back. For now I am on my shitty paleoithic era PC.
I sort of laid my heart out to someone, and we basically decided that it wouldn't work because we're too far and crap but I said I'd wait? for them to come back I guess but who knows. I kind of feel like they are pushing me away because realistically who's going to get over who faster? Probably me since I'm able to go to parties and shows and do whatever I want even if in my little head I think it's the other way around.
I have decided I deserve someone that likes me as much as like them, if not more. Also I was talking to Ryan and he said I really need to focus on taking care of myself and making myself happy because apparently I try to take care of other people too much. Christine thinks so too. I guess this is fairly obvious to everyone but me that I've kind of had an excruciating year and i deserve a break and a pat on the back. So, as selfish as it may or may not be I am doing everything that makes me happy and if I get hurt then oh well, at least I tried. I kind of feel like for now on I will be running fast and striking out blindly.
I applied to be a phone sex operator [hopefully i get it.] My guy friends think my vocal talents are quite amusing and I need money and hell, it'd make a funny story to tell. And I can pretend to be in a SPike Lee movie too, now can't I? I need money, I wanna go on trips and I want more tattoos.

Anywho, here is me and a goat.

no way fest was really fun

but my head and heart are all hurty.

i need to do something to get my mind off of things.

good things this week is full of fun things-

thursday-party at enzo's
friday-le face at knitting factory
saturday- last hunches show?


AND i have my car back so i don't have to wait on people to decide wtf they wanna do and shit yay




stupid stupid stupid

Today is fathers day I am in virginia at noway festand its really hard for me not to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I feel like I am having anervous breakdown insidee I really just want someone to hug me back

Me, Julie, Mike, and Ryan are leaving for Richmond, VA in like 3 hours to go to No Way Fest! So excited. Anyways I'll be m.I.a. for a while. I'll try to look at things on my blackberry but I doubt I'll have time. This trip is gonna be awesome! Matt, Karen and her bf Mike are going to as well as the band C.O.P., who we are friends with. We're meeting up with pat pat ! I bet me and julie will be sitting around the whole time rolling our eyes at Mike and Patterson going gay for each other. LOL for thursday nightand sunday night I'm sharing a room with julie mike and ryan and ryan REFUSES to sleep in the same bed as me, he said he is gonna sleep on the floor wtf he is so stupie. Roflzzzzz anyways later mew mewzzz

It's alright because I'm saved by the BELLL!!!!!!!!





mmmph zack morris whata babe





also is it just me or is this picture weird? wtf? like okay i understand hot dudes showing their muscles but their shirts are sooo flared out wtf

I REALLY THINK HAPPY FEET IS A FUCKING WEIRD MOVIE

I am SO tired of being flaked out on by guys. They see me at shows and add me and message me and text me and we make plans to hangout and they always fucking flake at the last minute. I am so tired of it. It's like why are you even talking to me? Even if they just want to be friends they are doing a shitty job about it. Maybe they're nervous or something but it's fucking stupid and just makes me feel bad about myself. Maybe I scare them off? I don't know how, I try to be nice and stuff.
I am so fucking over it, I am just going to ignore every guy that tries to talk to me through myspace when they see me at shows and can't say a word, and are friends of my friends.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET LAID. FML

OHHHH LORDY





what????????????


Alright, this week I went to Six Flags with Fish. SIX FLAGS IS FUCKING GROSS. Really awesome rides but seriously I felt like I had caught scabies or something. Also the teeth to person ratio at that park is extremely off...
I nearly tripped and broke my face stumbling down one of the many ridiculous hills in the park. But, it's all good because X2 seriously rocked the shit out of me. It's perhaps the best ride I have ever encountered. It feels like you are hurtling through the air by your own device. Definitely gnarly. Tatsu also fucked our shit up, at one point me and Fish felt like the air was knocked out of us.

Friday night me and Fish went to Josh's party in Buena Park. It was fun, I saw most of his new band's set [which was pretty cool, but everything that guy does is awesome] and like 2 songs of Gestapo Khazi cause the cops showed up and issued a warning. Christine and Crystal met up with us later. We ran into Marko and Fonze and some of their friends while we were there, and we hung out for a couple of hours. It was strange, somehow all of us girls got split up by that group of guys. Christine was cornered by Pizza Boy, Crystal was talking to Marko the whole night, Fish was being hit on by a guy with a square soul patch [it was like 1"x1" it was so dumb looking] and I spent the night talking to Fonze and I think this guy Rudy? Well anyways that guy was totally adorable. He has silly curly hair and he's always at Ryan's parties and I get into drunken arguments with him about the Grateful Dead. We all had a really fun time and the girls and I headed to Harbor House for pancakez.

Saturday me, Christine, Ryan and Marko headed to this Flower Street show in Huntington Beach. It was fun I guess, but I don't know I felt very out of place. Every girl there was wearing like 3 inch heels and dresses that barely covered their ass. Which is fine and whatever but it was like 55 degrees out and windy and we were in a gravelly lot. I don't know, it just felt like there were a lot of superficial people there. Some guy said some not so nice things about me and Christine when we were just minding our own business. Male. Fucking. Privilege. Yes, it's definitely okay for a male I've never met who has never tried to know me to pass judgement on me based solely on my looks [which are graded on an awful scale. bigger than a six? better stay home and start looking for cats to adopt, apparently] and tell me about it to my face. Me and Christine were walking by this douchebag and we stopped because he looked like he was going to stay something and he looked us up and down, then started shaking his head and laughing and yelled fairly loudly "No, not into! HAhahhaha!"

Women already have everybody in the world telling them they're disgusting, they aren't good enough. WOMEN tell OTHER WOMEN that they are ugly. The puke until their teeth fall out, they stop eating, they inject themselves with PLASTIC and CHEMICALS. They endure waxing, shaving, and laser treatments on almost every part of their body; they put harsh chemicals on their scalp and use hot irons on themselves. They put glue on their eyelashes and wiggle into tight constricting clothes-then they don 3 inch heals they hobble around in, all to appease these piggish men obsessed with this beauty myth. YOU CANNOT TOUCH BEAUTY AND YOU CANNOT KEEP BEAUTY; IF ANYTHING IS FLEETING IT IS THIS. These pigheaded men that roll out of bed, put on their fucking stupid moccasins and fucking DARE to tell them that they. aren't. good. enough. WHEN THEY NEVER ASKED FOR THEIR OPINION IN THE FIRST PLACE. Whenever I go to bars, shows or parties I feel as if I am always surrounded by such unique beautiful girls; neatly coiffed hair, shimmery pink lips, and wisps of dresses. Nearly every girl is pretty in some way or another, and they usually try to be. And I stare around the bar in question and every male there is not nearly good enough for any of these gorgeous girls, if we were to judge them as harshly as they judge us. I feel like a fucking lesbian because I think these girls are so much better and so much more worthy than their male counter parts. I arrive and I think to myself:
I SHAVED MY LEGS...for this??
I USED MY MARC JACOBS PERFUME...for this??
I ENDURED THE BURNING OF A PEEL OFF MASK...for this??

Now of course I don't want to put out this blanket statement that I am a man hater, and every man is as deep as kiddie pool. I don't think that at all. Some men [real men] don't have exclusive fantasies of underweight Lolita-esque girls prancing around in their lacy undies, devoid of cellulite-you know those men that have this issue with tall or bigger girls; like the smaller the girl's hands the bigger their dick will look or something. They want girls to be small, weak, fragile; like their very skulls could shatter like porcelain under the right amount of pressure. I suppose I just have to boycott these little infantile boys that believe a girl shouldn't [or more like doesn't deserve] have any hair down there, shouldn't have stretch marks, that they shouldn't be as loud or as opinionated as them, that they shouldn't want to fuck like a man and fight like one. Truth is all we want is to fight and fuck like a [hu]man. I sometimes have so much rage against the male side of our species I don't know how to contain it. The day I find a guy that can handle me and my ramblings about male privilege will be a day we can eat otter pops in hell.

Also, I want to point out I don't think it's wrong at all to wear stilettos and bleach your hair-if anyone is guilty of dressing up or wearing too much make up, it's me. What is wrong is people constantly expecting it or rather demanding you be-well, "up to par" with them, and if you aren't you get a tongue lashing.

Anyways....that's just what I've been thinking about lately. The show was ok, I guess. Crystal met up with us later, I guess her and Marko have a little thing going on thanks to yours truly. The show went on realllllly late and the cops and fire department showed up. There was even a wee helicopter. We went to Denny's and I crashed at Christine's at about 3 a.m.


It's 6:40 a.m. and I still have not gone to bed and I don't feel tired at all. I think perhaps I am just excited for my trip to Virginia. That's next week, I think. This week I am probably heading to both Le Face shows. Seduce and destroy mew mews.

met my sister for the first time it was a trip she loves jesus and hates fags this was 2 days before i turned 21 went to a show drank one too many long island ice teas and got heartburn punched ryan in the face in the back of his van had a surprise party no alcohol but lots of candy went to the swapmeet ate too many tacos took the 5:15 to memphis wandered around the hotel lobby there were a lot of people with gold teeth walk down beale street ate too much bbq and a drunk black guy took my ice cream gift cards we walked all the way to the mississippi river to look at trash there were too many waddling tourists passed out in my hotel room for 14 hours hopped on a plane back home ryan had a birthday i yelled at him he may have cried i was entirely too drunk i had to call someone to pick me up we fought at mitch's birthday where i had entirely too many watermelon margaritas on the rocks at dave and busters how lame it's really a big fucking rip off the next night i drank an entire bottle of wine and may have yanked a couple of beers from different places at karen's boyfriends house it was her surprise party some weird dude named joey kept trying to make out with me i ran out of the house yelling at some guy i met and calling him judas i ran down the street i threw my beer and dived under my car fish had to pull me out and strap me to the back seat ryan ran up and jumped in the car and fish drove us home and she fed me and my cat old churros i had to do so much homework it was killing me but there was relief when me christine and crystal drove through l.a. and talked about marrying tom hanks's son just to be close to tom hanks we went to a grindhouse showing of the car with james brolin lots of lolz were had we ate watermelon rings and there were lots of creepy old men me ryan fish and lackass went to laguna and there were a lot of rich white people not white like me my bones are stained from blood and guts these people would bleach their own bones they could be on mtv we parked and i walked in the middle of the street we went to jack in the box and put liquor in their cups and went to a lame ass vintage store to watch nasa space and le face me and fish mostly got drunk and drank entirely too much and pissed on the beach le face went on and the plug got pulled by some quasi lizz phair me and fish and the singer of le face had a "tantrum" and i shook young adorable boys asking why they weren't robin hood and matt and ryan pulled us away fish used dirty words and i yelled at some woman she was beautiful and they carted me off into the backseat of my car i took off my pants and laughed and we went to 2 del tacos on a hunt for my chili cheese fries with no chili green sauce instead me and fish collapsed into bed and slept until 3 the next day karen took me to the continental bar in fullerton i got entirely too drunk off of gin and tonics and dirty shirleys we watched gestapo khazi who are really ok the singer is kind of a douche it makes me laugh karens friend was on valium i wanted some but then the guy that tried to make out with me weeks before was running around naked and some guy was yelling at me because i didnt know the name of a spanish general i felt really bad some drummer guy was talking to me and karens boyfriend kept laughing at us i dont know why he's a nice dude though and me and karen left and i cried in her car and michael jim wouldnt stop texting me strange things about kissing me and i passed out on my kitchen floor then i went to bed i woke up a puked a bunch i had the worst hang over but i got an a i think on my photography final me and ryan went to see cat party and gestapo khazi we got into a fight because he ditched me to talk to this guy kent who hates me for like 2 hours and i sat alone by myself not drunk drinking gingerale we went home and it was fine i worked on homework all weekend and then me and julie went to a gay film festival and partied with the gay guy from degrassi he's so adorable in person and his non gay amazingly hot best friend kissed me on the cheek multiple times which was delightful and me and julie were tipsy but she was more and kept saying he felt like her head was huge then me and fish went to highland park to see the spits it was 21 and over so she couldnt go so we went to some party in long beach and there were these 3 asian dudes that wouldnt stop talking to us and this guy who takes pictures and always stares at me was coming up and smiling at me and turned around when he saw the asian dudes me and fish ditched the party and we went to see night at the museum 2 which was completely adorable and then me fish and mike went to see the spits haunted george and king khan and the shrines which was pretty fun even if i was at a wedding where the groom hated me i ate too fast last night and got sick but now julie is on her way over i need to put some clothes on so we can see video disease play at vinyl solution i guess i will bring my camera p.s. someone entirely too untrustworthy with a bad record of being a good guy and not a bad guy told me he loved me why does this always happen? sayanara

I AM DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER OF SCHOOL SUCK MY FAT DICK

THE PAST COUPLES OF WEEKS HAVE BEEN RADICAL.
I HAD A GREAT BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.
WE WENT TO A TGORE SHOW, UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, THE MOVIES, AND MY FRIENDS THREW ME A SURPRISE PARTY. SASSY.
I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT AND DOING HOMEWORK.
I WENT TO KAREN'S 21ST BIRTHDAY AND SOME CREEPY DUDE TRIED TO MOLEST MY FACE.
RYAN MADE ME GROPE HIS NO-NO SPOT.
WE SAW THE CRAWLERS.
WE WENT TO COACHELLA FOR FREE.
IM SICK AND I CAN'T BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE HOLEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!